Doing Away with Mediocrity

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Jan. 11th, 2004

Dec. 8th, 2003

Nov. 26th, 2003

12:19 am - sometimes i wonder...

if it's all even worth it. for what is this all for?? I work my ass off to get a good degree from Northwestern, so i can work with a social organization or go to grad school and go into civil action/human rights law and make a difference. alright, that's clear enough.

but what about the fucking meantime???

I am so terribly lonely, I can't even describe.
i walked past a group of students laughing at a movie today, went upstairs and burst into tears. I feel like I have no one. On campus, most people study constantly. During free time, the ethnic/racial groups almost stick totally to themselves, and the people whom I might socialize with (i.e. not total social rejects, those with whom I might have any interests or personality traits in common) tend to party with every free moment they have.

This poses an enormous problem. #1) I don't WANT to party all the time! I shouldn't drink or smoke, either, esp. if I'm trying to give up bulimia, because urges are almost impossible to avoid if i'm not sober. #2) The places this happens are either at stupid frathouses (other than Fiji) or at bars. #3) I am not 21 and don't have an ID.

I have no problem going out into the city and meeting people, or should I say, meeting GUYS. Guys with romantic/sexual interests. No, I'm not complaining- the attention is lovely, but at this point, I really don't care.... I want friendship. I want some of these awesome guys as FRIENDs... and I want to meet chicks! Women! Kick-ass girls like my group back home! I Miss Having a close group of women more than anything in the world... it's like a huge part of my soul that's missing.

and i've already described the girls on campus... talk about a dead end. (though i will keep looking....) This loneliness, combined with guilt about money, stress from school, and stress revolving around bulimia, has created failure.

Yes, I gave in.
all weekend.
and tonight.
i failed myself.
i failed my school
my parents
my therapist
everyone who believed i was strong enough to give this up, THIS TIme, by sheer will.
my heart is acting up.
my cheeks are puffy again.
and i have never felt so desolate.

Current Mood: depressed

Current Music: Dashboard. I hate emo. Tonight I don't care.

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Nov. 19th, 2003

Nov. 16th, 2003

12:53 am

ARGHHHHHHH THIS IS SOOOO HARD!!!!!

THIS SHIT IS MORE ADDICTIVE THAN CRACK. alllll I want right now is one of those huge bulk bags of animal crackers... and a cheese danish, and a pumpkin pie. mmmm and granola..... and maybe a little debbie or seven.

I'm gonna write until this passes... oh wait, it's FUCKING CONSTANT.

I HATE WITHDRAWAL. i can do this, i can do this, do or die, have no choice.

Last night my suitemate Ada held a birthday party for 2 of her friends... and the CATERED IN.... and the leftovers.... oh dear god how am i expected to do this???? oh wait, NO ONE EXpects me to do this. Only 2 people even believe completely that i CAN do it... my dad, and chris. Three. Corey. Talked to him today- felt really damn good to hear his voice... i miss having lengthy conversations with that boy.

I have gone through a bag and a half of freakin sugar free candies (yes i've eaten real food too)... they help the oral fixation part, but that "laxative effect" warning? yeah, take that seriously. ... i am sooooo bloated eeeeew.

there is a huge party on campus tonight- haha chris went with my Fiji boy Matt H... I refused to go. Not just because I'm cranky and urgey and going through fucking withdrawal, but it's a "CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL/BOY PARTY..." where everyone is dressed like fucking britney spears and giggling profusely and getting ogled by frat boys. NO THANK YOU. I only suffer degradtion for large sums of money. The only way I'd go is in drag. Just for kicks. ... wow i wish i'd known about this party earlier and could have planned that.

*deep breath* boy do i regret the day i first decided it would be a good idea to throw up two rolls of sushi.

Must..... get.... through..... the night.....

Current Mood: cranky

Current Music: Dropkick Murphys

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Nov. 15th, 2003

Nov. 8th, 2003

Nov. 6th, 2003

04:35 am

We're not dating. We're not exclusive. Positively, absolutely in love, yes, but still want sexual freedom.
BUT IS IT WRONG OF ME TO ASK HIM NOT TO FUCK OTHER GIRLS AT MY SCHOOL? IS IT WRONG OF ME TO ANTICIPATE HURT, JEALOUSY, AND REALLY NEGATIVE FEELINGS IF I KNOW HE'S SPENDING THE NIGHT IN SOMEONE ELSE'S DORM ROOM?? I WOULD NEVER, EVER TO THAT TO HIM! PEOPLE HAVE LIMITS, AND SPACES, THAT ARE THEIRS. THIS IS MINE.
"Dana, I really think you're being selfish."
... selfish. when the only reason he knows anyone here is because i introduced him.
this goes beyond all fucking common decency.
i am so hurt that i'm seething and crying....
what the fuck.
why in the fucking hell did you come to chicago if this is the result.
screw this. if i'm selfish, if your sexual needs are so fucking intense that you can't be satisfied with every single other neighborhood in chicago except northwestern, then fuck you for not understanding my feelings, respecting my ONE request, and caring enough to not cause hurt where it could be avoided. "I did this for freedom, and I feel like you're totally restricting my freedom."
"So now you're pissed? Great. Why don't you go write about it in your livejournal."
alright, I will//
and then i'll hang up the phone on you because you're being a fucking insensitive prick.
dana
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Current Mood: and really fucking hurt

Current Music: Dwarves- Fuck the world i will deny you

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Nov. 5th, 2003

03:39 am - feeling illegitimitely PISSY

I HATe when you feel as if you have no right to feel the emotions you do....

or when you feel you can't legitimately and correctly own your feelings.

Or when you know your anger should be directed inwards, because the subject is your fault to begin with, but you're so sick of taking things out on yourself and your body that you project it outward.

First of all, I must say that the last entry was perhaps a bit of a misrepresentation of chris, as he poutily pointed out. he is by no means a misogynist, an anti-feminist, ignorant, or not understanding of cultural discourse.

Now- time to bitch. I apologize if this isn't as eloquent as some of my other entries (i've been getting a lot of really sweet feedback on my writing skills lately- and have been feeling most excellent about them)

I feel replaced. Totally disposable, used, and replaced. Ever since this year started, Chris began hanging out with my friends. First with me, as I took him to various places and introduced him to people, and he already knew some from last year. However, soon it was him hanging out with MY friends... without me/ Alright, fine, I understand, he is new to Chicago and hasn't established a friend group yet, he needs a support network, I'm cool with it- even with the nights he spent on my GIRL friends' floors.... strange....
But lately, I've been getting calls at 1/2/3 am a few times a week, "dana, i'm at fiji... can i crash at your place?"
"dana, i missed the L (the purple line train that services evanston, where northwestern is, stops running at 1:23), can I crash with you?"

And although he's very welcome in my dorm, i'm getting really fucking fed up with this. I feel like he's usurping my friends/// THEY DON'T CALL ME ANYMORE!!!! THEY CALL HIM!!!!! and when I act angry about it or actuallly show my emotions, he treats me as if I shouldn't feel that way and should quit being stingy with my pals. He tells me I'm totally overreacting, and makes me feel like I am just a huge drama queen and have no right to feel legitimate negative emotion.... I HATE IT!!!!!!!!! i'm sick of hearing about MY friends' parties, of HIM telling drunken stories about MY FIJI BOYS, or MY dorm-mates from last year- and he says it's because he's MORE AVAILABle... which is totally true.... and one of the reasons why I feel I shouldn't be so damn angry... the eating disorder, especially since i've been totally nocturnal for weeks now, makes it really fucking hard to socialize, if all you're doing is working, sleeping, and bingeing/purging, and then not awake when other people are.
I hate how isolated I feel, but it's so hard to ..... Fuck, he's downstairs. After a fiji party. so much for this entry. more to come later. now i get to be bitched out for being angry, and ALL we'll talk about is the eating disorder, and i'll feel like i'm slowly being picked apart and my humanity, talents, and passion and zest being deconstructed.
fuck. and now i'm crying, and he'll want to know what's up, and all we'll do is fight. fuck.
good night. i'll write more when he's passed out and i'm still awake, like every other night.

dana

Current Mood: pissed off

Current Music: cabaret- the evil, subtle german fatherland song.. how awful

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Nov. 3rd, 2003

04:51 am - Feminism, Chris, and underrepresentation of bulimics on the web...(last subj. not to be taken srsly)

I so didn't want to start the week in a nocturnal daze- THAT's not going to happen. I feel tired, a little out of it, and... not fat, not full, but... well.... bigger. and i KNOW it's a good thing, but please- i've never done this voluntarily before- the last time i really consciously gained weight was two summers ago in partial hospital when I was so unhappy with the prospect that I cried for a damn long time when my calories were raised.
nevertheless- i am not amazingly satisfied. MUCh more at ease about it than I expected, which is good... but certainly not ecstatic. Although I think most of the problem lies in the fact that I just stopped working out for about a week and a half, and therefore just feel totally sedentary. I'm working out in an hour (err... well... if i'm not too tired or just plain lazy... i remembered that outside of the eating disorder, there is a really lazy dana that is perfectly content with NOT working out and sitting on her ass. hahah), or whenever I can get enough coffee in me to combat this...
In other news, I'm kinda upset with Chris. Alright, alright, not with HIM specifically, but with the fact that sometimes I really feel we are on different levels of understanding and feeling about certain issues. It stems from the truth that I am a feminist, and he is not. Yeah, he wants women to have equal rights, etc, etc, and he has lots of girl friends, but except for a select few- I think he looks down on some of them- or, they will just not be as "cool" as his guy friends. When he was living in the apartment on Raymond, it was like a frat house, except the guys liked more drugs and didn't like frat boys. But it was the same in relation to the discourse that existed around girls- they were pretty much objectified, even if the guys knew they were joking. Still- I think it had an impact. Not only this, but he simply hasn't read up on, or is aware of, many theories/developments/history/deployments in modern day feminism/gender/identity/queer theory, and I think it makes a difference in how we approach society and the media.
I'm a huge fuckin critic, basically, and I am quick to point out objectification of women in ads, infantalization, stereotypes of the gay community, and deployments of hegemonic patriarchy wherever I see them. He doesn't think like that- and it's not his fault, but it still bugs me, especially when it is played out in the following example...

Chris recently got a new job. He'd been looking at some somewhat shitty prospects- (panera, hollywood video) so he was thrilled to find a spot on a "street team." So, he interviewed for this "street team" and got the job! I was really excited for him, as he needs money & some time structure, but was a little less than thrilled when I found out exactly what this "street team" entailed... I pictured handing out flyers/random promotion, talking to people after shows, getting word out, spreading news/hype... turns out he's a talent scout. Ok, fine- for musicians? "Yeah- for bands, but also models and actors." Umm... weird
so I looked on the website of his company, just out of curiosity- yeah, musicians is at the BOTTOM of the list, and it's not even BANDS, it's VOCALISTS. read- POP STARS SELLING PURELY BASED ON IMAGE.
And of COURSe, modeling is at the top of the list. Mostly models. Print, and runway. Hardly any plus-size.
So, this "street team" approach basically means Chris goes up to pretty women and asks them "Have you ever considered modeling? No? Well, you should... here's my card."

Now, is it just me, or is there something obnoxiously and inherently hypocritical if Chris is telling me that I am too thin, need to gain weight, that guys hardly ever go for rail-thin model types anyway, that he'd find it much sexier if there was "something to grab.".... and then he goes out and recruits THIN women to exploit their images and contribute to the increasingly MISREPRESEntation of the female form by showing only one body type, which is impossible to obtain except by eating disorders and extreme dieting for the rest of the population???? THAT FUCKIN SUCKS!!!!!!!!

If this were some strange type of progressive modeling agency that recruited women of all types and sizes, something that tried to redefine beauty, then I'd be peachy-keen with it.
But NO- this is almost all really skinny girls who will be shown that they can make money by exploiting their youth and appearance to advertise a PRODUCT that most likely has NOTHING to do with the female form. Clothes do- clothes need models, I can understand that- but CLOTHES are for PEOPLE of all shapes and sizes, not for one specific model's measurements... and PRODUCTs like vaccuums and mouthwash and make-up and hairdryers... etc etc etc.... can fuckin sell themselves without using some skinny woman (who is probably shown in a compromising, helpless position, without a head or other body parts, or is somehow contributing to hegemonic discourse) to help advertise.

Even for the three days that I stripped (that was actually pretty fun, but I stopped doing it because Chris, even NOT as my boyfriend, was uncool with the idea), I wasn't a media image. Stripping is inherently about body, yes, BUT- there were such a huge RANGE of bodies!!! Some girls with huge butts that moved them in ways I'd never thought possible, big thighs, some jiggly arms- but pretty much in proportion, obviously none obese... nevertheless, they weren't all rail-thin. They had real bodies, and those bodies, and the way in which they moved, were well-paid and appreciated. As the owner of The Admiral (a well-established, high-profile Chicago strip-club where I worked) said, "It's weird- lately the girls with totally normal, even bigger bodies, have been our biggest sellers..." Yes, I know- stripping can be seen as women degrading themselves for money, showing off their bodies to get small tips in their garter belts- but I always felt very much appreciated, comfortable, and it was an ego-boost if anything to know that I held such sexual power. Plus, you're NOT just selling your body- you are selling your personality, your dynamism, the way in which your body moves, your ability to make the guy (or girl) feel comfortable. You're a businesswoman, in a way- most certainly not an image. If you're too introverted, or pouty, or not dynamic or don't have much of a personality- you won't do well. Guys would turn down ditzy blonde strippers who didn't care for conversation- an hour later we'd be talking about world travel. And I'm not kidding- I had some of the most INTERESTing conversations with a huge variety of ethnic, racial, and international men...

So even stripping is different from modeling. And hey, EVEN if you think stripping is selling yourself- it's still selling YOU- your smile, je ne sais crois, your personality- it's not exploiting you as a MEDIa image for some PRODUct. grrrrrr.

So that's why I'm upset with Chris' new job. He was nervous about starting it the other day, and I felt I needed to give support- but what could I say? All I replied was, "Chris, you know you're great at talking to and persuading people. Everyone feels comfortable around you- you're great at being social. I have no doubt you'll do very well. Even if I have no respect for and totally disagree with what you're doing, you'll be good at it." a little self-righteous, yes, but oh well.

If this all leaves anyone confused on my ideas of feminism- go to bust.com and you'll see the new, 3rd wave feminist approach I espouse. Pro-sex, pro-porn, pro-men, pro- correct media representation.... (sorry)

On a totally different note- Out of curiosity, I typed in "pro-mia" in a web search, just to see if yahoo and ixquick had really gone ahead with their promise to disable all the pro-eating disorder sites. Yes, many were gone, thank god- but people had certainly found other, more subtle blogs and web spots to discuss tricks and triggers and show starvation pictures and count calories... sick. Or, some of the more well-known websites had "redefined" their mission statements so as not to get shut down- and now said that they are in no way promoting eating disorders, merely providing support for those who are already diagnosed. haha same dif.
the weird thing.... ALL of these sites, even under a "pro-mia" seach (this is short for pro-bulimia, basically a way that ED girls pretend their disease isn't deadly and debilitating and instead give it a cute, feminine nickname) were basically anorexia (pro-ana) oriented. (if anyone knows silverchair- this is what "ana's song" refers to... not a girl named "ana," but the nickname given to anorexia.) None of the sites were really about bulimia, just anorexic girls who purged a Twinkie now and then.
That got me thinking- exactly what would bulimics talk about in a pro-ED forum?? Tricks and triggers, yes- but- anorexics talk about calorie counting, what would we do? "Well, I dunno, really, I mean..." (because you never know how much stays in your stomach.) Anorexics discuss the PoWER and CONTROL and EXClusiveness and superiority of being "above food." Bulimics... umm... "Well, I stuffed my face a few times... picked through a few garbage cans... spent too much money.... OH! I found a really cool shirt in the trash!"

haaha maybe they'd just share vomit jokes. HAHAHHA .... wow I am having too much sick fun with this. Actually- I take back what I said about never encountering a purely pro-bulimia website- I did find one, about a year and a half ago- but it was in the process of being shut down- and the only thing left on it was a recipe for chocolate cake.
HA.
MAYBE that's what all those stay-at-home 50's-type mothers are doing when not posting their "30-minute recipes!" online... so THAT's where the pro-mia sites are... under "recipes!!!" I should have known.

and i wonder why my psychologists sometimes ask me if I am really taking this seriously...

Current Mood: and cranky

Current Music: misfits- mommy, can i go out and kill tonight?

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Nov. 1st, 2003

05:40 pm - Poll

Ok, everyone- it's FUn QUestion TIme. This is the game where I ask a dorky weird question, ponder the answer myself, YOU post replies, and I post the results. Make it good!!!


Q: If you got a chance to have sex with any cartoon character you wanted, whom would it be? (and why?)



A: Hmmm... I'm gonna say.... Aladdin. Hot bad-boy sensitive type. Prince Eric from Little Mermaid... totally. Trent from Daria if he put on some more weight... scrawny little bastard. And Inspector Gadget- not because he's good looking, but goddamn, think what tools he has under his belt... Prince Charming from Snow White looked like a pussy, the Prince from Cinderella didn't display an ounce of personality, and the Prince from Sleeping Beauty was too fair-haired... and I don't go for blondes unless it's bleached. Was the Crow ever a cartoon....?
and the Beast as a Beast. Disney made him too phallic for me not to be interested. Same with some of the Gargoyles... a very strange attraction. OOOHH and some X-men, of course.


So give me your cartoon-fucks, kids, and have fun with it! P.S. I assume Jessica Rabbit is already on everyone's list- no need to repeat her again. time to get back to.... (singing) "the Never Ending Essay... woa-oo-woh, woh-oo-whoh, woa-oo-woh.."

Current Mood: stressed

Current Music: "fuck you-" training day soundtrack

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Oct. 31st, 2003

07:19 am - *Rubs hands together* Let's Git Down 'Tah BIZNISS.

ALrIGhty...

I am making a promise to myself to try actually using this thing as an expressive and therapeutic journal, instead of letting months (or a year) go by without updating. I will be candid, truthful, and bitchy, random, depressed, pathetic, happy, crazy, melodramatic, nerdy, artsy and immature if i feel i need to do so, because no one is obliged to read this, and my needs rule. HA. damn straight.

so- news- Happy halloween, my plans include writing a long essay that was due friday on the social capital of andersonville, going to an informational meeting for Social Policy (changing my major- gonna shake things up a bit in the world, but keep film as a minor), taking the L down to Boystown w/ Rachel (a very cool NU chick, and they're hard to come by), meeting up w/ Chris, and watching the Northalstead Halloween Parade- i.e. a huge flamboyant drag show. it'll be great. there is no trick-or-treating allowed in Evanston around NU, which sucks great big balls of meat, but i didn't have time to make myself an elaborate costume to show off anyway, so it's not too bad.
Halloween got me thinking about mark robinson's Halloween parties... and that night i made out with him, which i had TOTALLY forgotten about. wow. Man, he was HOT. and I was the only one who thought so back when he was my middle school cello partner... then he got ripped and semi-popular and even cuter, and other people began to agree... just proves that I'm ahead of my time. hehe.
I have been doing a bit better lately in terms of bulimia- sorry to scare people with the last post, but it was true, and needed to be said. I have since gained a fair bit of weight and have been trying to keep myself out of marathon-binge-purge black holes that last for days, perhaps with a class or two between episodes. Because those suck. And they're sooooo draining...

and that is another reason why I am using this journal- as a tool. I really want to try to stop- if not cold turkey, then starting by actually NOT giving into the urges when they come up. For anyone who is confused- bulimia changes the way your brain works, and the signals it sends about releasing endorphins and other hormones, and just like any drug, your body becomes chemically addicted to the binge/purge process. That's why anyone who believes it is simply a matter of "wanting to be thin" is ignorant and out of their minds. It's a physiological disease that encompasses ever so much... and is hard as shit to break.

however, chris pointed out something very encouraging- unlike quitting a drug, which is usually used (at this age, anyway) in social situations, bulimia is different because it is so individual- it puts the addict alone, both mentally and physically: stuffing my face in my room or skulking around the dorm foraging for food, obviously not wanting anyone to know what's up. When someone quits a social drug, they will suddenly have tons of alone time on their hands, which can be hard, esp. if one is used to using the drug to escape from his/her head. However- if i can successfully quit- this will be just the opposite- I'll suddenly have HOURS more with which i can actually go out and be social and cultural and active. I made a huge list of things I could be doing if bulimia didn't take up so much damn time (either bingeing/purging itself, or recovering/sleeping from the last episode, or fending off people's attempts at getting me out of my room because my stomach is revolting against me.)
*lights clove* (speaking of helping with the urges... mmmmm)
Another impetus for getting rid of this (or, well, gaining back a little weight and not being referred to as a "cute concentration camp victim" is that I suddenly connected fact with emotion regarding fertility. I haven't had my period since.. july? and that's not good. Don't get me wrong- as the over-developed 5th grader who was the only one in her class with boobs, shaved legs, womanly hips and a period, it was SO NICE to have a break from it... but a discussion in my gender studies class that paralleled men's impotency with a woman's infertility (regarding feelings of inadequacy and lacking) made me realize that, "hey, what if my usually resilient body decides NOT to be resilient, and I become infertile?" The sex would be terrific, but it already is, and even if I can't picture me with kids now, down the line I may indeed want children, and I want my own- I want to be able to give birth to my own flesh and blood, to see distinct VanDemark features in them... and I'd never forgive myself for a stupid disease that took that miraculous ability away. So, tampons, cramps, embarrassments and all- I know I need my period back.

I am changing majors. I'm not going to make films for a living, because the type of film I would want to make- a film that made people more socially aware, made them want to picket and change the status quo- are virtually impossible to make AND market to a wide audience without first having capital. And to have capital, I'd need to sell my soul to the film INDUStry first. I don't want to be another hyphenated LA wannabe, scrounging for on-set jobs and ingratiating myself with big names. So, I am going to take a more direct route to shaking things up- I'm going to be a social policy major. And keep film as a minor. Plus, the school of Education and Social Policy (SESP- pronounced "Sess-pee") is very small, well-established, and very tight- not only does it have a very close-knit community, but there are wonderful networking opportunities, sponsored lecturers and speakers, programs in San Fran, DC, Chile, London and Paris, and a million internships with great social organizations. Plus, it could lead to so many things- civil-action law, field research, social advocacy... you name it.

I turned in a fantastic project for sculpture the other day- the original assignment was to fill representative containers with plaster and compile them into somethhing interesting- but most of my classmates didn't like that idea, and wanted to do clay instead <<<*smushes clove butt into ashtray*>>>, so many made some amazing plaster portraits out of clay molds. However, I really liked the container idea, as long as the "containers" weren't little Tupperware bowls or fast-food cups. So, I bought a lot of gourds (nicely seasonal, too), hollowed them out, taped/tied them back together, and poured hydrocal (plaster, basically) into small holes I bored on top. The result: a wonderfully TEXtured, organic representation of the empty space- hydrocal picks up detail so beautifully, so I got all the little coral-like things inside the gourds as the outside of the small pieces, and put them all together in a presentation called "Squash This." Hope my professor is as enthralled as I was... I just wish I could have made thirty or so, and lined them up on the ground like a weird, inside-out pumpkin patch.

My gender studies class went to see "Naked Boys Singing" at the Bailiwick theater- a queer-friendly, gender-bending playhouse downtown. EIGHt naked, gay, white men (weird and a little disturbing that they were all white- I could get into a heated discussion about the taboos and discourse surrounding black male sexuality and penises, but i won't) singing songs about everything from masturbation ("I beat my meat *clap clap clap clap* I beat my meat, I sit up straight and get a grip and then I give myself a treat, I beat my meat *clap clap clap clap*...) to other men in the gym locker room and one guy's hatred of working out ("arms say NO, legs say NO, chest says NO, Willy says yeah, Yeah, YEah, YEAh, YEAAAAHHHHH") to nice jewish boys turned porn stars ("I'm a perky little pornstar from Skokie, Illinois..."). However, there were SO many really sweet, tender moments in which the penis was definitely not the focus, but instead true love, ("across a window"- "and if you send for me...") loss from AIDS ("Kris, look what you missed") etc...
After hearing that, I slept at MY chris's, and held him very tight.

This weekend is the Chicago Humanities Festival, and I am going to see Sir Martin What's His Face, the premier biographer of Winston Churchill, give a presentation on the latter's leadership abilities. This is for me, yes, but also for my dad back in Rochester... Churchill is one of the men he admires most.

I was home briefly for the 18th- which was my birthday. Happy 19 to me. Rochester was... ok... unfortunately, the first day back after months of living in my own place here, when all the memories flood you and the realization sets in that this is no longer home, is always very hard... so I spent my birthday bingeing and purging, stopping in between only to go to Powers with the family and select pumpkins. I was really disappointed in myself. But now I am legal... in canada.
ha.

Shit, I told my sociology professor I'd try to get that essay in today- the reason it was late was really my fault indeed... chris was on campus, said he was EXHAUsted and needed to crash here, that he wouldn't bug me so I could write my paper... but he came over, got uN-tired, and... three hours later... (or was it four) I finally got to work on the paper, only to have my computer crash, and subsequently eat my un-saved essay. Moral of the story- technology sucks. hhahah. err, i mean, essays before sex.

... maybe.

Ta ta!!
-danish, a most marvelous and happy girl.

OOOOOHHHH also- I was finally given a prescription for Ambien, so perhaps I can stop being nocturnal- i can't remember the last time I actually slept during the night. Love you all!
-me

Current Mood: hopeful

Current Music: Big Booty Ho's!

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Sep. 24th, 2003

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